As do many people my age I have friends that are either married or in long-term relationships, meaning their significant other doesn’t like it when they talk to me or they just are not allowed to have contact with me. In fact, a lot of them are not allowed to have social interaction with anyone outside of their significant other and the person their loved one picked for them to be their new friends.
The friends that are picked for them are never the people they would pick for themselves to be friends. There, in my opinion, looks to be these criteria for women that they use to pick their partners friends. A man’s new friends cannot be someone they meet on their own accord, either. This would be unthinkable. Your new man friend has also been neutered by someone of compatible qualities of that of your wife or girlfriend. For you to naturally get a long with the person your lady is trying to set you up with is going to be next to impossible.
Your new Friends will be brought to you and have the following qualities.
*The two of you will like this guy because he is the third piece to the puzzle and you will all have a good time only to find out the two women think he’s weird and you never get to hang out with him again all because he explained how fantasy football works. Which of course is something you are not allowed to do because she thinks it’s “stupid.” Your significant others some how convince their friend to break up with the third part of your trio.*
The two ladies now have a third friend that is not part of a couple. So naturally they conspire and want the two of you to find this new woman someone to date. The two of you spring in to action. Now it’s your chance. You call me and the other guy calls his old friend who he hasn’t seen since the wedding because we are bad influences.
The plot is on. The other guy calls his friend, you call me and say hey we are getting beers and appetizers on Thursday why don’t you come meet us. Now the Unknown Soldier and me show up and everyone is introduced and we start chatting and talking about sports, work, and whatever else. Then it happens someone blurts out the question, “how do you know each other?” and at the same time a cell phone vibrates and before the question can be answered the words are spoken… those words, “Hey the girls are going to come meet us.”
The room slows like a John Hughes movie. Me and the Other Other friend lock eyes. We know immediately what is about to happen, our eyes widen, and our heads slightly motion NO!
We’ve been setup!
A Thursday beer and wing night should have been a dead give away. It’s not Friday. You still have to get up the next morning but you may get to leave the office an hour or two early so it’s casual yet you have to remain somewhat responsible.
The Other Other friend and myself have that telepathic wide eye conversation of what do we do. Do we make up excuses, grab our tabs, wait a few moments give a few awkward handshakes or a hug, say things like “How long has it been?” then one of us be on our way forcing the other to stay and engage in awkward small talk, become trapped in a 3-6 month relationship in the hopes that you win your buddy back in the breakup forcing everything to come full circle because now they are setting you up with their uncoupled friends? WHAT DO WE DO? WHAT-DO-WE-DO?
All I am saying is maybe you just let the man in his life pick his own friends.
The friends that are picked for them are never the people they would pick for themselves to be friends. There, in my opinion, looks to be these criteria for women that they use to pick their partners friends. A man’s new friends cannot be someone they meet on their own accord, either. This would be unthinkable. Your new man friend has also been neutered by someone of compatible qualities of that of your wife or girlfriend. For you to naturally get a long with the person your lady is trying to set you up with is going to be next to impossible.
Your new Friends will be brought to you and have the following qualities.
- He will have a wife or girlfriend that is one of two things. She will either be better looking or dumber than your wife or girlfriend. This is the natural order of things. They will have these concentric characteristics so they can talk shit to you about the other when you get home. They will each be superior to each other in their own minds and let you know as soon as they leave or on the ride home. You will nod your head and agree to avoid a fight.
- He will have a similar interest to you but it will be so vague that when one of you says, “So my wife tells me you’re into ______?” The next thing said will be, “No, not really, there was this one time though,” and you will spend the next three forced interactions trying to figure something else to talk about.
- The two women in the relationship will try and introduce a third couple into the mix. This will be the newly paired off couple. They will be either significantly younger or significantly older than the two original couples.
*The two of you will like this guy because he is the third piece to the puzzle and you will all have a good time only to find out the two women think he’s weird and you never get to hang out with him again all because he explained how fantasy football works. Which of course is something you are not allowed to do because she thinks it’s “stupid.” Your significant others some how convince their friend to break up with the third part of your trio.*
The two ladies now have a third friend that is not part of a couple. So naturally they conspire and want the two of you to find this new woman someone to date. The two of you spring in to action. Now it’s your chance. You call me and the other guy calls his old friend who he hasn’t seen since the wedding because we are bad influences.
The plot is on. The other guy calls his friend, you call me and say hey we are getting beers and appetizers on Thursday why don’t you come meet us. Now the Unknown Soldier and me show up and everyone is introduced and we start chatting and talking about sports, work, and whatever else. Then it happens someone blurts out the question, “how do you know each other?” and at the same time a cell phone vibrates and before the question can be answered the words are spoken… those words, “Hey the girls are going to come meet us.”
The room slows like a John Hughes movie. Me and the Other Other friend lock eyes. We know immediately what is about to happen, our eyes widen, and our heads slightly motion NO!
We’ve been setup!
A Thursday beer and wing night should have been a dead give away. It’s not Friday. You still have to get up the next morning but you may get to leave the office an hour or two early so it’s casual yet you have to remain somewhat responsible.
The Other Other friend and myself have that telepathic wide eye conversation of what do we do. Do we make up excuses, grab our tabs, wait a few moments give a few awkward handshakes or a hug, say things like “How long has it been?” then one of us be on our way forcing the other to stay and engage in awkward small talk, become trapped in a 3-6 month relationship in the hopes that you win your buddy back in the breakup forcing everything to come full circle because now they are setting you up with their uncoupled friends? WHAT DO WE DO? WHAT-DO-WE-DO?
All I am saying is maybe you just let the man in his life pick his own friends.
THIS BLOG ENTRY WAS WRITTEN UNDER THE INFLUENCE WITH NO PROMOTIONAL CONSIDERATION PAID FOR BY THE FOLLOWING.
Founders Brewing I give you you Judge Elihu Smails and Al Czervik for taste and a Bender for your 8.5% ABV.